THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO THE BLESSED AARON
Warning- bad for the blood pressure of the religiously sensitive or indeed of anyone who is sensitive.
A beta reader pointed out that Aaron may think he is famous or preferably infamous, but few know who he is. Aaron Aalborg is the penname, or possibly schizophrenic alter-ego of a writer of subversive novels and blogs.
He offers a meagre sieve against hate mail. He is less likely to block surveillance and retribution from the forces of the state, spooks etc. So far his lack of fame is such that he is not deemed worthy of assassination. We are working on that.
The Bible according to Aaron- Stunning Revelations
Aaron decided to write a new version of the bible. You may ask. ‘Why?’ He is a known atheist, cynic and the unholiest nonexistent person you could ever imagine. He argues that crazy people need reasons too. Of course, the more warped they are the better.
Aaron claims he is blessed. His parents blessed the day he left home. It was a Tuesday. That will be the new Sabbath day.
He was inspired by both the so called ‘Old’ and ‘New’ testaments as he describes below.
The Old Testament
“Many other people, real and fictitious, have written parts of the various mainstream Bibles, so why should I be excluded? Jewish scribes, probably on magic mushrooms, started with a creation myth that rivals those of any other ancient belief systems for improbability. (Seven days to make the universe? a creator who needs to rest? talking snakes? women made from ribs? magic apples? and so on).
As bored school-kids with raging hormones, we folded down the pages of the juicy bits in the Bible. All the best perversions are in there, from incest to onanism, a posh word for wanking. (Not to be confused with the Chinese City, whose denizens ought to be called wankers, but probably aren’t). This was a ‘mortal sin’ according to our Catholic priests. We were told it would make you blind. A friend said he would only keep one eye open, while enjoying his dad’s Playboy Magazine.
“I’ll risk one eye”.
We bloodthirsty boys especially enjoyed all that Old Testament smiting. Biblical superheroes wielded sling-shots, asses’ jaw bones; the power to part the seas and to have walls fall down on trumpet blasts. The Assyrians were wiped out by early nerve gases. Wild!
A lot of begetting went on. The juicy details were missing, so we skipped that part.
Now, it could all be on the X-box. Angel killer-drones swoop down and blast the baddies. Cool!
Bonus points are scored when annoying or holier than thou folk get their just deserts. Turning nosey parkers into pillars of salt would be fun.
Being swallowed by a whale is one of many paranormal spectaculars. This could very much be blood spattered entertainment for the budding sociopaths of the 21st century. Someone should write the code.’
The New Testament
‘So on to what Christians call ‘the New Testament’- Now that really is a can of worms. It seems that an obscure Jewish sect decided the Messiah had arrived. They carried on with their Jewishness, keeping their Sabbath, circumcision, no pork and other peculiarities.
All was well until a Roman’s horse, scared by a lightning bolt, threw Paul of Tarsus onto his head with a bump. His resulting brain damage, sociopathic visions and conversations with god were unfortunate for the Jews.
Later the madness infected the Christians and had dire effects for the world as a whole.
Due to crazy Paul Christ, the Jew, suddenly morphed into a whitey. Jews became Christ killers, though the Romans did the executing.
That reminds me of coughing on someone when carrying viruses. Washing your hands passes the blame.
Paul was not totally bonkers. Circumcision ended, to the relief of us boys. Pork, lobster and oysters were back on the menu. How could I have lived my life without them? You need something to go with the Bollinger.
Various Christian Bibles emerged from this chaos. They benefited from being written years after the supposed events.
This allowed all kinds of exciting nonsense to become fact. The writers created more great stories. It was all Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
Wicked, sexy women were in there, just the way I like them. The Old Testament’s Delilah was now rivalled by the irresistible Salome.
According to Christian painters, the Messiah rarely left home without the Magdalene being in tow, to fulfill his every need. Being a messiah had its benefits.
The artists and their patrons found virgin matriarchs less arousing. Immaculate conception made good copy, but what fun did Joseph get. He likely onanized himself silly behind the workshop.
Other entertainment for us lads was laid on by Herod the Great slaughtering innocents. This tradition is carried on to this day and on a vastly greater scale, by the Armed Forces of the US, its allies and its less powerful rivals.
The treatment of Christian Martyrs was graphically explained in the Bible and subsequent ‘Lives of the Saints’. They read those to us as we ate our lunches.
The entitled brat and self-righteous Daniel escaped his deserved fate with the lions. The Romans were less easily foiled. They, and we boys, were greatly entertained by the bloody deaths in the arena. When dragged off to see the movie, Quo Vadis, we cheered each Christan's death, from the safety of the darkened cinema.
Fanatical Jesuits decided to convert the Natives in the Americas. Their stories provided us with splendid lunchtime entertainment. They were scalped; pegged out for the ants, covered in honey; or skinned alive.
We imagined ourselves doing the same to our monks. Perhaps there could be justice?
There are so many versions of the New Testament
‘Various ‘Christian’ Roman Emperors called on their bishops, usually relatives, to eliminate anything threatening their rule. Out went some cool gospels like that of Thomas and that of Magdalen.
John Wycliffe was the first to try an English Bible. He spent his life translating texts from Hebrew, Greek and Coptic.
His assistant was called Purvey. One wonders if that meant pervert in Chaucer’s day? A fitting name for a Catholic priest right up to today. It certainly suited some of the monks teaching us. I was saved from their worst attentions by being rather ugly.
All Wycliffe’s works were suppressed after his death.
The King Jame’s Bible
King James was the sixth King James of Scotland and later the first of England.
English protestants with the requisite royal bloodline ran out, after the death of Elizabeth the first.
James was a nasty, slobbering, evil little man. He could easily be the President of somewhere, if alive today.
Mum was a murderess and worse a Catholic. He was brought up without love and in constant fear of his life by politicos. So what could you expect?
He oversaw the murder of over 4,000 ‘witches’ in Scotland alone. On occasion, he personally supervised their torture and interrogation.
The book he did write himself, Daemonologie, led to two centuries of old women and healers being tortured, drowned or burnt in Britain.
He believed in the Divine Right of Kings to rule at his will. He ennobled and favored his gay lovers. Gay is fine today, but was anathema then. Though it is not mentioned as a sin in the various bibles.
The book he did not write was the so called ‘King James Bible’. Ghost writers there were aplenty. Maybe the Holy Ghost helped?
Guess who the ghosties relied on? The Wycliffe Bible. Why bother with original research when someone had done all the work?
So this plagiarized bible, altered by printers who changed bits to suit their process, became the standard for millions, totally ignorant of its genesis. This does not refer to the Genesis in the creation myth.’
The Bible According to Aaron
‘Taking a cue from Bad king Jimmy I have decided to have others do all the work. Sooo:
I need disciples. You can call yourself volunteers if you prefer.
As an enticement I hereby grant you all indulgences. You can be as bad as you like all every day, as long as you confess at the end of the week. Or just send me a few grand if confession is too tedious. Yes I know that has all been done before.’
A few words of guidance are in order.
Perhaps we need the Pope on board.Otherwise, he will write a papal bull, full of BS.
Please include something to the effect that it is god's will to collect all the money from the poor and then to spend it on big churches, getting fat and stashing the rest in the Vatican bank. That idea could snag some evangelical support too.
Perhaps you could add that pedophilia is a sin, unless it is the priests doing it. Some reference to the Pope being infallible should clinch the deal.
To win over the Americans, we need to say that Christ was definitely white. Slavery was good for the economy. Smiting foreigners to steal their minerals is every patriotic American’s right. It can be fun too, like a real video game, especially if you are safe in a bunker in Texas.
Perhaps include the last two as commandments 11 and 12. Oh, and ditch the sixth. Why have commandments that no one keeps?
I’ll leave whether to include a chapter on snake handling up to you. Do they read books?
A section on Blessed Elon Musk could buy us some useful Wall Street support. Maybe place heaven on Mars and send him and the politicians there as fast as possible.
Tell them there will be underage sex partners aplenty all wanting to be sister wives. That should get the senior Democrats and Republicans behind our Bible.’
The poor Palestinians have suffered long enough. Please include something giving them right to a separate country and megabucks in compensation. Perhaps Texans could be removed to give them a home.'
The Medium is the Message
‘It seems that bible scholars are impressed by old flaky scrolls dug out of Israeli deserts in pots. Some hitherto unknown script might impress too. Please organize the best forgers and ensure the discovery of my new Bible in some archeological dig.
That should do for now.
Go forth and write! I’ll be away having a few hundred Martinis till you are done. No need for proofs, just forward the royalties.