Aug. 31, 2017

An outrageous poem


 It was the 23rd of December 2006. It had been in my head for days, for weeks for years. It just had to get out.

 Some words are essential but just not nice: Erse, Arse, Ass, Mahone

One word shines out- cheeky, happy and silly from all the rest, especially when said with a Yorkshire accent. It has to be the most risible word in the English language,


I read this to the guests at our Christmas party in Chappaqua, New York on the 25th. They liked it, but then, they were all drunk.

 Obsession No 4

Buttocks- Yorkshire Buttocks

Wobbly buttocks

Lardy buttocks

Elephantine buttocks

Huge, enveloping, man-eating buttocks

Sexy buttocks

Hot buttocks

Pert Buttocks

Tight buttocks

Clenched buttocks

Bikini buttocks

French knickers buttocks

Thong buttocks

Dental floss buttocks

Naked buttocks

Buttocks pounding on a treadmill

Buttocks wobbling on high heels

Vast buttocks, barging people off the sidewalk

Ballet dancing buttocks

Belly dancing buttocks

Pole dancing buttocks

Lap dancing buttocks

Latino buttocks

Oriental buttocks

Ukrainian buttocks

Kalahari bush woman’s buttocks

Her Majesty The Queen’s buttocks

His Holiness the Pope’s buttocks

The President of the United State’s Buttocks

And for the ladies:

Matador’s buttocks

Italian waiter’s buttocks

James Bond’s buttocks

Sumo wrestler's buttocks

Iron-man buttocks

Hairy buttocks

And on the human condition

Old buttocks

Saggy buttocks

Wrinkly buttocks

Shriveled buttocks

Dead buttocks

But to end on a lighter note

Happy buttocks

Creamy buttocks

Rubenesque buttocks

Buttocks, buttocks, buttocks….buttocks!